Over the course of the past few months, I have been unable to help but notice that your children enjoy frolicking upon their backyard trampoline. You, in turn, may have been unable to help but notice a loud and frantic barking noise ensuing from my house.
Now, first let it be known that I am in full support of healthy physical exercise for children. It keeps them from selling their little bodies for crack on the streets. And if you aren’t going to have them wash your car or re-pave the driveway or something helpful like that, a trampoline seems like a nifty idea. Indeed, I am certain that they are incredibly talented…um… jumpers… and are in practice for the next Olympics. In addition, I am sure that, as a parent, you would prefer not to have the joyful sounds of trampoline-based hi-jinks positioned directly outside your windows. However, I do call into question the current placement of the trampoline. And by that, I mean right smack up against the fence that separates our backyards.
You see, that loud and frantic barking noise is coming from my dog, Samson. Samson is a Great Pyrenees. This is a breed originally bred to act as livestock guardians in the Pyrenees Mountains, which to us laypersons means that in addition to being large, white, fluffy and incredibly stubborn, he is genetically programmed to sound an alert at anything suspicious or potentially threatening to his flock. In the breed standard, this is described as“barking his freaking head off”. It’s what they do.
Given the fact that we don’t have any sheep or other livestock in our backyard, (currently), Samson’s “flock” includes his people, his“brother” Lugnut (the tiny one-eyed chupacabra posing as a dog), his driveway, his house (especially his couch), his backyard and his vehicles, as well all corresponding surrounding air space. Probably stuff underground, too. Sammy will protect his flock with his life. And by life, I mean voice. You may remember Samson from such previous memorable barking episodes such as “Hey, You Just Installed New Lighting In Your Backyard And It Casts A Suspicious And Potentially Threatening Shadow On That Tree”, “The Neighbors Put A Christmas Decoration Up On Their Roof And It’s Going To Kill Us All”, “A Car Just Drove Past And I Thought You Should Know” and “I Went Outside (Again)”. Are you beginning to pick up what I’m laying down here? Anything out of the ordinary, anything even the sliiiightest bit unusual – such as a butterfly fluttering through the yard – and barking ensues.
Hey, you know what’s out of the ordinary and unusual?? Little heads. Little children’s screaming heads… popping in and out of view… appearing and disappearing above our back fence. Over and over and over. Now, I fully realize that it is a free world and you have every right to put that trampoline wherever in your yard you choose. But seriously? Right up against the fence like that? Thank God, you have one of those safety nets around the edges of that springy death mat. Otherwise a bad bounce could send an Olympic hopeful careening over our fence to land in the dog poop and car parts.
I beg of you, you can’t just drag that mofo back a few feet? Every time one of your little Yuri Nikitin’s (look it up) starts a’leaping, from my living room it looks just like the world’s biggest game of Whack-A-Mole. And my dog loses his mind. Every single time.
Just think about it. A few feet. Mull it over. That’s all I’m asking. Until then… you’ll be hearing from Sammy.
And good luck in London in 2012!
Now, first let it be known that I am in full support of healthy physical exercise for children. It keeps them from selling their little bodies for crack on the streets. And if you aren’t going to have them wash your car or re-pave the driveway or something helpful like that, a trampoline seems like a nifty idea. Indeed, I am certain that they are incredibly talented…um… jumpers… and are in practice for the next Olympics. In addition, I am sure that, as a parent, you would prefer not to have the joyful sounds of trampoline-based hi-jinks positioned directly outside your windows. However, I do call into question the current placement of the trampoline. And by that, I mean right smack up against the fence that separates our backyards.
You see, that loud and frantic barking noise is coming from my dog, Samson. Samson is a Great Pyrenees. This is a breed originally bred to act as livestock guardians in the Pyrenees Mountains, which to us laypersons means that in addition to being large, white, fluffy and incredibly stubborn, he is genetically programmed to sound an alert at anything suspicious or potentially threatening to his flock. In the breed standard, this is described as“barking his freaking head off”. It’s what they do.
Given the fact that we don’t have any sheep or other livestock in our backyard, (currently), Samson’s “flock” includes his people, his“brother” Lugnut (the tiny one-eyed chupacabra posing as a dog), his driveway, his house (especially his couch), his backyard and his vehicles, as well all corresponding surrounding air space. Probably stuff underground, too. Sammy will protect his flock with his life. And by life, I mean voice. You may remember Samson from such previous memorable barking episodes such as “Hey, You Just Installed New Lighting In Your Backyard And It Casts A Suspicious And Potentially Threatening Shadow On That Tree”, “The Neighbors Put A Christmas Decoration Up On Their Roof And It’s Going To Kill Us All”, “A Car Just Drove Past And I Thought You Should Know” and “I Went Outside (Again)”. Are you beginning to pick up what I’m laying down here? Anything out of the ordinary, anything even the sliiiightest bit unusual – such as a butterfly fluttering through the yard – and barking ensues.
Hey, you know what’s out of the ordinary and unusual?? Little heads. Little children’s screaming heads… popping in and out of view… appearing and disappearing above our back fence. Over and over and over. Now, I fully realize that it is a free world and you have every right to put that trampoline wherever in your yard you choose. But seriously? Right up against the fence like that? Thank God, you have one of those safety nets around the edges of that springy death mat. Otherwise a bad bounce could send an Olympic hopeful careening over our fence to land in the dog poop and car parts.
I beg of you, you can’t just drag that mofo back a few feet? Every time one of your little Yuri Nikitin’s (look it up) starts a’leaping, from my living room it looks just like the world’s biggest game of Whack-A-Mole. And my dog loses his mind. Every single time.
Just think about it. A few feet. Mull it over. That’s all I’m asking. Until then… you’ll be hearing from Sammy.
And good luck in London in 2012!
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